Am I ruining my kids?
I sit and ponder this question probably more than I should. Did I raise my voice too many times today, are all the convenient processed foods they are eating destroying their body (dramatic, I know), and how can I spread my time between the three of them are just a few of the thoughts that run through my head like a torturous sound track. Most days I feel that I yell more than I hug, avoid more than I play, and wish away this period of motherhood more than I try and soak it all in.
I wish I could enjoy this time more, that I could somehow find joy in all the "little things" like everyone tells me. BUT if I'm being honest, how can joy be found in the constant drink-filling, snack-getting, and refereeing I do day in and day out? I wish I could answer that question for myself, but I have yet to figure it out. I quickly get consumed by this guilt and even somedays wish my kids could have been given a different mom so that they may have been better off in life.
Tomorrow will be better
At the end of the day once they are finally all asleep I second guess the choices I made throughout the day and the guilt washes over me. I know I'm not the only mom in the universe that does this. You look at their peaceful faces as they sleep (they are so much easier to like while asleep) and tell yourself that tomorrow will be different - you will play, not raise your voice, and be grateful for all the little and mundane moments. Well tomorrow comes and by 10am its back to the same thing. Yelling, frustration, and the desire to run out of the house without your children for just two minutes of peace and quiet. This pattern has followed me for the past four-and-a-half years and it is a cycle I desire to break.
They are God's, not mine - Grace within Parenting
My husband reminds me of this perspective often. God gave us these kids to raise, and they are His not ours - we only have them for a very short period of time. When we view our children this way it brings so much to light. They are sinners just as much as we are. They need grace just as much as we do. God does not think of us as burdens, but why do we so quickly forget that about our own kids? God views children as a blessing, and parenthood is most important role as a Christian. I need to be on my knees praying for guidance more than I should be attempting to stumble through life on my own strength.
I believe this is where joy begins to come back. No, I'm not convinced I will ever get to the point where I completely enjoy every aspect of motherhood, but I think as my perspective changes, so does my attitude. God knew exactly what He was doing when He gave us these three beautiful children. He did not make a mistake - He never does.
